remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
