dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
