What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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