Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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