I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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