I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
