I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
