Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
