I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
