Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
