Do you still have your period?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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