I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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