I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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