I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
