i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
