I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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