sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
