apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize