Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
