he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
