How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
