Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
