How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
