He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
