no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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