Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
