Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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