I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
