She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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