before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
