Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
