I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
