like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
