All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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