I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
