I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Randomize
