my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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