you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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