I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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