normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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