God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
