The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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