Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh god it's open bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
