I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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