why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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