I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
