If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
