i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
