Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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