Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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