i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
