I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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