Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
