Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
