Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
