so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
