Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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