mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Boobs are out for the taking
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
