mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
