dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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