he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
