Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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